I'm so ready for the New Year. Not because I want to make some overzealous, impossible to accomplish goal that will ultimately end up in the "to do pile" of my crazy, unorganized existence, but because this year has been so tumultuous and exhausting. I started 2011 with very high hopes. Hopes that my life was finally taking a turn in the right directions. Hopes that my wishes and dreams would finally be answered and I would be part of a real life, honest to goodness, take it to the bank FAMILY. My entire life, I have dreamed about and wished for ONE thing...that I would live in a FAMILY. I love my dad dearly, but my childhood was far from "normal". My dad spoiled me with whatever I wanted, lavished me with love and affection, but the one thing that was consistantly missing was structure. We never stayed in the same house for more than two years. I never quite new who would be joining us for Thanksgiving dinner, since my dad was fond of the ladies and when one was gone there was another in the wings to take her place. :)
I was single when I had my boys, and I still longed for that feeling of a family unit coming together, enjoying each other, sharing a bond and taking care of one another. When you want something badly enough, you tend to talk yourself into thinking it is there...even when it's not. I refused to give up on that dream, because it was a part of me, engrained deeply into my soul for as long as I could remember. Those of you know me well know that failure is not an option. I do not give up easily, especially when I feel like I am trying to do something positive for my boys.
2011 was "the year" for me...or at least I thought. I had stuck it out, fought for my beliefs, held onto my pride and won. The problem is...I won the battle...not the war. I got my way. I was married. Little did I know, that had absolutely nothing to do with getting my ultimate prize...the one I had been thinking about for 35 years...I was not any closer to having my family. :(
Now, before you say "ooohh" and "aaaahhh" and feel sorry for me, stop. Something very positive came out of that experience. What I started to realize was that I was capable of fulfilling my own dream the whole time. All this time I felt that in order to have that family that I longed for, I needed another component, the missing piece of the puzzle. When in actuality, I had all the pieces of the puzzle the whole time! I was just putting them together the wrong way. SO, with a few small adaptations and some adjustments to my thinking process, I was able to let go of years and years of this crazy belief that a family means a couple, kids, big house, 2 cars, white picket fence and summer trips to Disneyland (although I still plan on taking these lol). FAMILY, my friends, is who you surround yourself with in your darkest hours and in your most joyful moments. FAMILY loves you unconditionally, doesn't judge you, believes in and supports you. FAMILY makes you laugh and reminds you every single day that your life has meaning. My family was with me all the time, always has been, always will be. So I'm saying goodbye to 2011 and with it all my baggage and sadness. I will no longer be searching for my happiness elsewhere, for I am learning to find it within myself and I LOVE that!