Tuesday, September 18, 2012

It's never too late to say I'm sorry....

Tomorrow is not promised to us. This is something I know for sure. One day I was a happy, healthy baby girl who was the center of her parents' lives...the next day I was a motherless daughter, being bounced from house to house as people tried to deal with the overwhelming grief of losing their daughter, sister, friend. My dad was in the hospital, fighting for his life, and that perfect little bubble that we lived in had burst in a moment's time.

My dad has told me my whole life not to let a day go by without telling my loved ones how I feel. We always tell each other "I love you", and when we get angry at each other we try not to let too much time go by without making up. You just never know when your last words to someone will be your LAST words. :( I remember very vividly a time when Kam was in the first grade, and after a chaotic morning I was running late for work. I took it out on him and snapped at him to "hurry up" and get out of the car as I dropped him off at school. As I drove off, I caught a glimpse of  his little face, teary eyed and lip quivering, in my rearview mirror. I started to cry, and even though I was already late for work, I turned around and went back. I caught Kam going into the school and gave him a huge hug. I told him I was sorry, and I said no matter what, even when it seems like I am angry, I will always love him more than he could ever imagine! That is a TRUE STORY, and I have more like it, because I never want something I say out of anger to be the last thing my children ever hear from me.

That's why on Sunday night, when I was feeling a bit down, I felt compelled to apologize to my boys for bad choices I have made that have impacted their lives. I sat them down and I said, "I am so sorry for choosing dads who aren't here for you. I am sorry that I made choices based on my own feelings, and put yours aside. I am sorry that I sometimes get frustrated with my life and take it out on you guys. I'm sorry that I expect you to act like adults when you are not. I am sorry that it seems like I care more about the future than the present, because I don't, and as long as you're happy and healthy I am happy too. By this time I was crying pretty hard and both boys were hugging me, saying "mom it's ok" over and over. When I was finished, DJ told me I am better than a mom and a dad put together, and Kam told me I worry too much and I'm doing a great job.

I want my boys to know that I am SORRY for the mistakes I've made, and I am trying to do better. I will not make excuses for my choices. I will not blame others for my decisions. I will own them, because that's what I want them to do. My dad made many mistakes when I was younger, but I know now that he did the best he could at the time. He has always apologized for his mistakes, and that has made it very easy for me to forgive him.

I hope my boys see that THIS is the right way to live, and not by making excuses and placing blame on others, like their fathers have done.
I should write on my blog more often. I enjoy writing, and I've been told some people enjoy reading what I write, so why do I wait so long in between entries?

October marks one year of my single life. I have REALLY focused on finding myself (whatever that means lol) and rebuilding the foundation that had crumbled so badly.

We are happy. I can honestly say we are truly happy. That feels good. Of course, we have issues (who doesn't), but our issues are our own now. We are not affected by the actions and moods of other people. We no longer live in fear of temper tantrums, blow ups and breakdowns. I have seen such a transformation in the boys' attitudes. It is a wonderful feeling to know that I made the right decision, and that all of us can grow now, where before we were so stifled by the negativity.

October also marks 1.5 years since I decided I did not want to continue living life as an unhealthy, overweight woman. I have kept 30+ lbs off for 18 months, and I have learned so much about nutrition and health that I can share with others, while continuing to learn and apply new information to my own diet and lifestyle. Running is a part of my life now, and it's one that I hope to continue in some form for years to come. It's not only exercise, it's my therapy. :)

I turned 40 two months ago, and so far it doesn't seem to be much different from 39. I am more aware of the path I've taken to get to this point, which means I will be taking a much different path over the next 40 years. :) Live and learn, right??